Well, here I am again. I have been gone for three months. I’ve started two other blogs. Much like I did back in April. I don’t know what my reasoning is when I do this. I need a little alarm that goes off every time I start a new blog. One that reminds me it is not the blog that is my problem. It is my lack of commitment to the blog. Sigh…
So, tonight I’ve decided to return to More at Forty. I don’t know how long I’ll be here. My semester has been going well but has hit that wall of grading and traveling and event preparations and so much more that seems unscalable. I got sick a week and a half ago. Since then, I have been “taking it easy”, which translates into “being lazy and unproductive”. My husband has been gone three of the four weekends this month. He is leaving again next week to go hunting for a week and in all honesty, I’m a little (a lot) burnt out on doing the single parent thing. When he has been home, he’s been exhausted or busy or busy and exhausted and so not much has been done by him around the house either. It has been a month and a half already and it is only the 17th.
I am back to wanting for a much different life than the one I have. There is much about my life that I like, maybe even love. But, there is much about my life that drives me absolutely to the edge of sanity. Fall is a season of frenzy for me. Two years ago, I was writing a similar blog post to this one. I am just in that season. The pile of laundry on the couch next to me is high. The number of things with due dates that are this week is high. My stress level about work, housework and getting it all done is high. But, this too shall pass.
So, what is it that drives me to constantly be “starting new”? I think it is the need to abandon my failures. A “fresh start” means a clean slate. But, really, a clean slate, where you’ve erased all the past mistakes and failures, probably is more likely to have you repeating those mistakes. After all, if we don’t own the past mistakes and failures, we deny them. And if we deny them, we probably don’t take time to figure out what we did wrong. I am pretty sure that is what I’ve been doing. But, no more. Today, I come back to this space, willing to face the mistakes and failures and make changes that will allow for improvements.
Let’s hope I can make it through.