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I want…less, but I also want more.

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Life is an oxymoron.  In my case, the stress is on the moron end of things right now.  I am realizing that another year is almost gone and I have not changed much in my life in these 315 or so days.  And then I realized that much of that is because I don’t even know what I want to change.  In the past, I’ve just wanted change.  And lots of it.  I wanted to be a better person holistically.  I wanted to be a better cook and eat at home and eat healthily.  I wanted to exercise and lose weight and look younger and feel better.  I wanted to keep a clean house and have nice decorations and comfy spaces.  I also wanted to travel and have a garden and be a better parent and a better worker.  No wonder nothing changed.  I basically wanted to leave myself behind and become some other person.  So, it didn’t happen.  But, now I realize that I need to stop envisioning all these things as what I want to do or be and start seeing who I am.  That isn’t easy.  It is easy to see who you want to be or who you SHOULD be, but it is difficult to really figure out who you are and then be the best person that allows.

So, a few things I want less of in 2018:

  • exhaustion
  • time on my laptop
  • grading
  • weight
  • procrastination
  • resentment
  • frustration
  • sleeplessness

A few things I want more of in 2018:

  • reading
  • sleep
  • really connecting with students
  • exercise
  • water – for baths, for drinking and beach time
  • time outdoors
  • things done on my to-do list
  • joy
  • cleanliness
  • beauty
  • downtime

I’m trying to think of a word for 2018.  One that really represents where I want to be at the end of 2018.  I want to focus on what I want to achieve rather than what I don’t have or need.  I’m leaning towards “recovery”.  Recovered from what is the question?  Well, recovered from exhaustion.  Recovered from eating poorly and not sleeping enough.  Recovered from resentment.

The definition of recovery from dictionary.com is:

the regaining of or possibility of regaining something lost or taken away.  OR

restoration or return to any former and better state or condition.

I would take either or both of those.  Regaining something lost.  Like myself.  My likes.  My priorities.  My energy.  My identity.  I used to be strong in all those things.  Now, I’ve kind of buried them so far down that I can barely see them peeking out under all the crap I’ve piled on top of them. Others likes.  Others’ priorities.  Attempts to do it all without eating right or exercising.  Identities that seemed more appropriate or more necessary than my own, previous identity.  I am sinking into a black hole of losing myself and I want to claw my way out.

The second, restoring or returning to a better state or condition is also important.  I realize that I can’t go back in time or not age, but I can return to a better state or condition of BEING.  I can do fun things for myself.  I can exercise to feel better.  I can manage myself better all around to get to a better state of being.

So, yeah.  I think “recovery” is my word for 2018.  I will not change, instead, I will regain and restore and return.

 

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One Comment

  1. Recovery is a great word! “And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. Joel 2:25.
    I know this has to do with land in its context, but think of everything that has stolen who we are.
    My word will continue to be hope but hope reaches out to every barren pkace.
    I love that you spoke of not trying to be who you are, but someone else. I have thought of this in the past few months…letting go of my desires to be someone I am not and realizing God loves who I am. He wants me to grow, not to morph into someone else.
    I am glad I read this . Much for thought here.

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