Thanksgiving is over and I’m already looking at the end of another Friday. It has been a busy week, but now I only have three weeks of classes left in Fall 2017. It seems like it went by so quickly. But, let’s get on to this week’s free write. This week’s topic for writing is “familiar”:
Yesterday, I hosted Thanksgiving at our house. We had my in-laws, my brother-in-law and his wife and daughter, my sister and her husband. It was crowded. I didn’t have any serving spoons. I was short on matching knives for the table. I had that familiar feeling of not being enough, not having enough and not doing enough. Although the food was good, I felt like a teenager again, pretending to be an adult, but not quite having it together. I am an imposter in my own life and yesterday just made that all the more obvious.
But, in another way, I was able to get through it. I made it without ruining any of the food, without having any disastrous results. So, maybe that familiar feeling of not being enough, not having enough and not doing enough was a false feeling. Maybe I am enough. Despite my lack of foodie abilities, my too-small refrigerator, my too-small house, my messy backyard (where we were smoking the turkey), my house full of animals, and everything else that contributes to my not quite having it all together, I am okay just as I am. If I were any other way, perhaps I would not be me. That would be the true imposter. The one that had it all together. The one who lived in a beautiful home with a big kitchen who was able to get all the food on the table at the same time without a hitch. The one who ran the 5K in the morning before hosting Thanksgiving for the family and then cleaning it all up afterward without complaint. That would be the imposter.
I can only be me. I am relatively simple, easy to please and not really into pomp and circumstance. I don’t want fancy things that will make me feel guilty or upset when they are damaged or ruined by the animals or my daughter. I want to be someone who is relatively relaxed and who does not make others feel inadequate. I feel like I’ve achieved most of that. And most of those who visit my house probably get a boost in their feelings of adequacy rather than being made to feel inadequate.
But, I can also be more authentic and live with more integrity. There is room for a lot of improvement. But, not improvement towards loss of myself, but improvement towards being who God made me to be and having what God gave me and being happy with it and doing what God put me here to do. It isn’t always easy as I often feel lost in my own wasteland of wallowing in self-pity rather than listening and following God’s way. May 2018 be the year I can finally follow God without wandering off.