Merry Christmas or “Meh” Christmas
It is Christmas Eve. My family and I had a wonderful day today. We drove up North and visited the snow. We went to our favorite little wild animal park for a bit. We had pizza out with a friend we rarely get to see nowadays. My daughter made some shrinky dinks from a kit she received months ago (maybe even over a year ago). She had a s’more, some hot chocolate and opened a Christmas gift before going to bed (a book in honor of the Icelandic tradition of giving a book on Christmas Eve and everyone reading the rest of the night – she only read a few pages, but it still felt good). And yet, I sit here, feeling inadequate and “meh” about Christmas. Why? Because of all the things I did NOT do this Christmas season:
- Bake cookies
- Send Christmas cards
- Do more mindful shopping
- Move the elf more
- Go see Christmas lights
- Get Christmas pajamas (at least for DD and me who wear pajamas)
- Get my DH a gift and/or stocking stuffers (we each chose large gifts that don’t really fit under the tree, but still, having something to open is always nice)
- Get more stocking stuffers for my DD’s stocking
- Put up Christmas lights
- Get together with more friends
The list could probably go on and on and on. Some Christmases feel a little less disappointing, but I can’t seem to get through a Christmas without feeling, not necessarily disappointed, but disappointing. Part of it is the Pinterest envy, sure. But, part of it is the same as everything else in my life. I know I’m capable of doing better. I just can’t seem to get my act together. I can’t get my energy up. I can’t get motivated to be better and do better. But, then I think, well, maybe it is because I really am exhausted and burnt out from working 1 and 1/2 jobs all year long, doing all the housework, leading a Girl Scout troop and various other things during the year.
At this point, I just don’t know. I do know that I’m tired. I know that I am on the computer too much and not exercising enough. I know I don’t take care of myself the way I should. I also know that I am almost 50, although I try to avoid thinking about that truth most days. But, I also know that I could do more. I know that I could go to sleep earlier. I could eat better. I could get out and exercise more. I could get my work done in a more timely fashion. I could read more and watch TV less. I could manage my money better. So, why don’t I do what I know I could (should?) do and stop doing those things that aren’t working for me? It is a mystery. A little bit of self-sabotage, perhaps. A lot of rebel-without-a-cause, probably. Some lack of self-discipline, definitely. What are the opposites of those things?
- A little bit of self-bolstering, perhaps. Not narcissism so much as self-love. Taking care of myself as I would my child or another’s child or a pet. Making sure I get enough sleep, eat right and regularly and get off the computer on a regular basis. Some exercise wouldn’t hurt.
- A lot of following guidance instead of rebelling against it. People have gone before me. They have done things well and it has worked out for them. They are happy and satisfied. So, stop bucking the system and fall in line to a certain extent. Just do what I’m told by those who are smarter and doing better at life than I am.
- Some self-discipline. I just need to kick myself in the @$$ and get it done. Stop making excuses and just do what is good for me and those around me.
Of course, all of that is easier said than done, but at least it is in writing now. So, my first step in this change of self is going to be going to bed right now. I’ve been staying up far too late for no good reason and I’m exhausted day-in and day-out. Sleeping and sleeping well and for as long as I need to is something that could change quite a bit about my day-to-day activities (or lack thereof). So, here I go…to bed with me.
I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and not just a Meh Christmas. Although, as an act of self-love, I will say that even a Meh Christmas is worth having. After all, what I think is Meh may be someone else’s marvelous.