William Langland said that in a poem in the 14th century and we still say it today. So, it has stood the test of time. But, it doesn’t mean it is easy to uphold that virtue. I guess it is defined as “moral excellence” for a reason. Tonight, I am a bit short on that virtue. I am typically a very patient person, but at times, I reach a level of frustration and anxiety and tension that makes me want to scream. I have reached that level tonight. And for no real good reason at all. Overall, today was a good day. A long day, but a good day.
We drove to my sister’s house last night and stayed the night, allowing us to get up at 4:45 this morning instead of 3:30 a.m. to get to Bean’s heart clinic appointment in Stanford by 7:15 a.m. My sister was nice enough to go with us, so we got to use the carpool lane and we made it a little bit early even. The appointment went really well. All looked good. I was surprised to learn that her pacemaker is pacing her upper half of the heart 22% of the time and her lower half 9% of the time. In all honesty, I thought it might just be a precaution and it wouldn’t pace very often if at all. But, it is pacing almost one quarter of the time! It is set at 70, so dropping into the high 60s will cause it to pace. But, still. A little surprising. The doctor also said that a transplant may be done before a valve replacement if the right side of the heart becomes overwhelmed by the regurgitation. So, there’s that on my mind. Hell, my tension and lack of patience tonight may all be part of a little PTSD that kicks in even when we hear good news, because it often is followed up with disconcerting news (pacemaker is working great and Bean’s health looks great, BUT it is having to be used 22%/9% of the time; the regurgitation does not seem to be increasing or causing her heart issues, BUT it could get worse and could require another open heart surgery for either a valve replacement or a second transplant). It is a lot to take. I want to be happy, but it is also tempered. I’m also exhausted.
In addition, I am feeling overwhelmed again. I feel like everything in my life happens just a little later than I need it to. I feel like I wanted so much more done at this point – on my housecleaning and organizing, on my class prep for Fall (good Lord, it starts in just four short weeks), on my finances, on my life in general. My DH comes home in three days after being gone for five weeks and I feel like I’ve accomplished little-to-nothing. My birthday is on Sunday and I’m feeling like I don’t even want to celebrate. I realize this is probably temporary and things will look better when I get up tomorrow and I’ve slept longer and better than last night, do not have to face medical appointments and have two days to get some things done (well, three really because my DH doesn’t come home until Saturday night pretty late). I need to be productive, not procrastinating. I need to get my #!*^ together.
But, I also feel overly tired and lacking in energy and motivation. What do you do when it all seems a little overwhelming? I would love to hear some ideas. I only have a few more days until my Year of Fun kicks off and I need to get over this feeling of BLAH and FRUSTRATION in order to really have some fun. I know part of it is probably diet and lack of exercise and who knows what else…