That pretty much looks like my life feels right now. Big piles of sticky, grimy, muddy mess. It feels like each day I’m just slogging through, trying to get to a temporary dry patch. And lately, I’ve been expecting to find a dry patch and, instead, just find more muddy puddles. So, I’m feeling pretty exhausted. I’m feeling like the work it takes to get from one dry patch to the next is harder than the dry patches are big. Life just seems like trial after trial with not much in between to make those trials seem worth it. I know I’m just in a low spot right now and I need to find higher ground and wash my boots off with clean water – or better yet, take them off because I’m out of the mud. But, it is really hard to find that higher ground right now.
I didn’t realize it had been 16 days since Iast wrote on here. It makes me realize how much time just passes by while I’m struggling to keep my feet moving. It really does sometimes feel like a week has gone by and I don’t know what I’ve done or accomplished. Some weeks, I feel like I’ve accomplished a ton, but I still don’t feel “good” about things necessarily. I just feel like I’ve got some things done. I don’t feel like life is “good” or “fun” or even relaxing or peaceful. It is tough and anxiety-filled and disappointments with a good thing tossed in here and there.
But, I keep reading blogs and I see these beautiful little sparks of goodness and happiness and bliss. And I think how much I wish I could find that in my life and not just on my screen through someone else’s life. So, I’m rededicating myself to blogging. I have a direction – self-improvement. And I now realize how desperate I am for that in my life. Improving myself. Improving my financial situation. Improving my relationships. Improving my work performance. Improving my parenting. Just becoming a better person living a happier life and making others happier while doing it. Seems simple enough, but I get so bogged down in the day-to-day slog that I can’t get to a point where I feel like I can maintain that motivation to be better, do better and find happiness.
I imagine there are others out there who feel this way as well, but sometimes it feels like you are the only one. The only one who wakes up every morning thinking something is going to go right only to find that something else goes wrong. The only one who seems stuck in a life of mediocrity and chaos and dirt and brokenness. The only one who feels guilty about not being able to be more – more of a mom, more of a wife, more of a daughter, more of a sister, more of a friend. The only one who can’t get it together to make a meal on a regular basis because it feels like its just for herself and her four year old and the four year old probably won’t eat much of it anyways, so peanut butter and jelly just seems easier. The only one who gets asked how old her granddaughter is (who is really her daughter) multiple times in one week and feels as old as she probably looks to those people. The only one who can’t seem to figure out who she is or what she really wants from life and instead just goes through, day by day, doing some of the things on her to-do list, but not getting to many more. I know I’m not the only one, but it still feels pretty lonely while you’re there, slogging through.
I want more out of life. I want more out of myself. I want more out of my relationships. I just want more. But, I also want less. I want less trials and tribulations. I want less health problems in my family members. I want less on my to-do list. I want less money issues. I want less things cluttering up my life. I want less time on this computer and more time in my life. I want less things that mean little to me and more things that mean a ton to me.
So, I need to talk (type) it through. I need to be honest and open and really make an effort to MAKE changes not just talk about them. I need to do that in my blog and in my life. I need to look around me and figure out what I have, what I REALLY want and what I can leave behind. I need to sit down and really wrestle with who I am, who I want to be and how to navigate the trip. That is what I wanted this blog to be about, but I think I just lost the focus on CHANGE and instead just focused on TALK. So, although I’m exhausted, I realize that I need to jump in, right here, right now and start the change. But, I also realize that I need to recognize the things I do get done and when I do achieve changes in my life. And maybe this will be a good place for that as well. I don’t want to make it sound like it is all negative.
So…anyone else out there feeling the need to reinvest in change and improvement? Hop on board – let me know in comments what some of the things you are hoping to change. It is always nice to know you aren’t alone.