So, I think I just figured out something about myself. Much of what I do in life I do with some level of reluctance. It is an epiphany. I am unsure why I just realized it, but here it is, staring me in the face like one of those tattoos people end up with in all the “men friend comedies” coming out nowadays. Where did it come from? What would have possessed me to get it? How do I get rid of it? Why did my friends let this happen?
Now that I have had this realization I am unsure what to do about it. I think my life makes some additional sense with it. I am forty-something with no real direction in life. I mean, I have a job (well, two now) that I like much more than I hate; I have a daughter that I love (but who also totally confounds me and makes me question my adulthood quite often); I have a good marriage (but one that drives me to frustration on a regular basis). But I don’t feel like I have a “calling” or a “passion” or even a committed relationship with anyTHING. Everything I do I do because it seems like the thing I SHOULD do, not the thing I am CALLED to do. I leave a lot up to chance and just wait around to see how it works out in the end. It kind of sucks to live life this way. And it definitely sucks the good out of things.
I know what the problem is. That part is not a mystery. I lost myself a while back. It was like I knew who I was for a really long time. I knew who I wanted to be. I knew what I wanted my life to look like. I knew what kind of people I wanted surrounding me. Then, I just slowly lost touch with all of that. I thought I was becoming someone else. I thought I was just realizing new possibilities for my life. I thought I was just outgrowing or changing who I wanted around me. But, in reality, things were getting let go of and tossed away without any replacements being in the vicinity. I became disappointed in my life and myself. And I let that disappointment drive me to not seek out the missing replacements or go back to who I was, the life I had envisioned and the friends I had let drift away. And so here I sit. Wondering what to do NOW to change things. I don’t really care if I go back or move forward – I just want some assurance that I am moving TOWARDS something better than this place I am currently stuck.
This is hard. And it is depressing. And, in a way, it is liberating. It is hard because apathy, reluctance and stuck has become my norm. It is depressing because I am forty-five and should have figured this all out years ago. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time and effort. But, it is liberating because I feel like there are opportunities for me out there. As a person, as a mom, as an instructor, as a friend, as a colleague, as a wife, as a coach, as a Christian, as a daughter, as a sister, as a forty-somethinger. So much is out there.
This did not originally start as a #31days post, but I think this is the biggest breath of air I could come up for. A chance to breathe in ME, who I am and who I am becoming. Quite the revelation. Now, to set about figuring it out.