Bucket of Suck…


<This was typed and finished yesterday, but I didn’t ever hit publish, so I will do that now.>

I read this phrase on a Facebook meme this morning and it perfectly captured my feelings about life today.  January has been a bucket of suck so far for me.  My dad, who has been sick for quite a while and in hospice for almost six months, passed away on Saturday.  Although I am relieved that it is over and he doesn’t have to be in the state he has been for the past couple of years (he had vascular dementia and for the past two years has been on a serious decline both cognitively and physically, finalized in being bed-ridden for the past nine months and unable to communicate for the past seven months).  He would have never wanted it to go on for that long, but in the end, you don’t really have a choice.  Someone else makes that choice for you and my mom, being the law-abiding citizen that she is, gave him the best care (in home 24/7 caregiver along with hospice) and he survived far past when most thought he would.  Which, I think he would describe as a curse.

So, this weekend, I was hosting/directing a tournament and running between that and my parents’ home (well, I spent most of the day Saturday at my parents’ home – I went to visit in the morning, left to go do the lunch catering at the tournament and got a call 45 minutes later that he had died, so I went back to my parents’ house as soon as I could unload the lunch catering and stayed until 8:30 p.m., went back to the tournament to pick up my co-workers who had run the event for the rest of the day, and back to the hotel to have a really crappy night’s sleep), dealing with my four year old who was along for the weekend and her disappointment at the hotel pool being closed for repairs and her (totally rightful) boredom during the long days at the tournament, then grandma’s then back to the tournament, etc.  In all honesty, it could have been much worse, but it could have also been much better.

Tomorrow I have to drive back to the Bay Area for a heart clinic appointment for my daughter.  So, today, I took a mental health day for the first day of classes.  I woke up feeling completely without energy and incredibly emotionally unstable.  I cried twice in the first four hours of wakefulness, which is not like me at all.  So, I emailed and said I would not be there today.  I spent the day on the couch mostly, did some grocery shopping for the basics and did some online work for my classes…but, overall didn’t do much.  And I still feel exhausted and slightly emotionally unstable, but I’m better.  I hope to make it through what is sure to be a very long day tomorrow (we are leaving here between 5 and 5:30 a.m. to pick up my sister and then exchange her for my hubby at my mom’s so she can take my mom to her radiation treatment, which my hubby did yesterday and today while staying there for work this week) and drive on to Stanford for her appointment which is usually an hour and a half or so.

So, yeah…so far 2014 has been a bucket of suck.  My daughter has had the flu AND a UTI already, my dad passed away, my mom was diagnosed with internal bleeding and needed to start radiation treatments and blood infusions, and I am totally exhausted.  But, I am committed to dump the bucket out of all its suck and start filling it with things that don’t suck.  ASAP…

What about you?  How is 2014 treating you so far?

3 thoughts on “Bucket of Suck…”

  1. I’m so sorry about your dad. I went thru something similar, although (thank God) it did not drag on quite as long.

    Please do be kind to yourself. You are emotionally and physically exhausted, and you’ll probably need a few more of those couch days. Take them without guilt, and heal.

    All best.


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