Okay. I feel like I make these statements all the time and I don’t have a lot of follow through. I realize that anyone who has read this blog for very long has heard this story before and is probably wondering “wait, didn’t she just do this a month or so ago?” The answer is yes. Anyone else out there like that? You talk the talk, but find it hard to walk the walk sometimes? Yeah, that’s me. I dream big and live small. I just find myself lacking real…dedication, I guess I would call it. I think I also lack…direction. So, maybe this isn’t a “new” direction, but just me starting to follow a direction. That, in itself, is a new direction for me though.
So, why now? Why today? Well, I’ve been really considering my life for the past few months and as I’ve written a little about on here, I find myself really frustrated with parts of my life (finances, stress levels, energy levels, ability to keep up with things) but also pretty satisfied with other parts (my job(s) is/are pretty good for the most part, I feel like I’m getting this parenting thing down pretty well). But, I often feel like I am not leading life with any sort of purpose. The “Focus on Seven” project was a bit too much. I don’t have the energy or time or ability to multitask that it takes to focus on seven things in my life at once. It was just too much, all at once, and with no real solid goals.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I am a self-help junkie. I’ve tried them all at one point. The amount of money I’ve invested in self-help literature and online programs and mobile programs and apps and such could probably get close to paying off my mortgage. Seriously, folks, use the library. Take my word for it. Owning the book is not necessary. You will NOT refer back to it in the future (and if you need to, just check it out again). Don’t pay for that app thinking that the fact that it isn’t free is going to make you more likely to use it (anyone with me here?). It is just going to make you more guilt ridden when you don’t use it. Anyways, all has failed me. And I don’t think I’m a failure. I just think that I need something else. I need a system that doesn’t seem like a system. Systems make me want to buck them. I need a calling. I need an obsession. I need to be driven. So, I need to stop with the talk about routines and systems and such. And I need to figure out what my passion and desire is and then figure out how to make that happen.
So, two things: Passion. Desire. And beyond that, its just action. Simple. To the point. No excuses. No revising the system. No “starting over”. My passions are few. I love to read and write. I love to KNOW things, or at least know something about them. I am a Jack of many Trades and I like seeking out new knowledge and sharing that with others who need/want that knowledge. That is why I teach. There aren’t many jobs out there for people who like to seek knowledge and share it with others, but coaching Speech and Debate is a pretty good one. And teaching college is also a pretty good one. Especially the subjects I teach. So, basically, my job is perfect for what I have a passion to do. I need to embrace that.
Desire is a little more complicated. I desire some order in my life. I do well when things are organized, decluttered and planned at least a bit. But, when I try to implement “routines” they always fail. So, I think I need to change that to “simplifies”. I need “simplifies” in my life. Things that simplify my home tasks, work tasks and family responsibilities. If I focus on them being sources of simplifying, it will be more positive for me. Decluttering is simplifying. Planning ahead is simplifying. These are all good things. So, my focus is going to be on implementing “simplifies” this summer. It will be my “Summer of Simplifying”. It already sounds more relaxing and positive than “routines”…or to-do lists…
We’ll see if this makes things happen.
Oh, I’m also going to get back to being me. Tonight, for example, I’m drinking some wine, having friends over and enjoying myself instead of feeling stressed out and anxious about what people are going to think of my house, our food, me, my clothes (which, by the way, I think looks kind of good. I got a new shirt at the thrift store today that is pink, cute and stylie), etc. I’m going with it. I mean, I cleaned the house up and my hubby is BBQing, which is always good, but I enjoyed wine and mom’s club people at the wine bar a few weeks ago and I look forward to enjoying wine and work friends tonight. I want to get back to enjoying my life.