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For All Those Who Lack Sticktoitiveness (aka commitment)

ice melting science humor4

A little science humor for all you science geeks out there.  Today has been pretty much a bust for me.  This blog is so representative of me and my total lack of both focus and commitment.  And every time I start to type one of these posts, I think to myself, “what is my problem?”  So, I’m a self-help/improvement dropout basically.   Forget Beauty School, I can’t even pass the “check your to-do list” or “organize your days into routines” classes.

I figure I can’t be a total failure at finishing things.  I finished an undergraduate and graduate degree (a little lengthy for both, but still done).  I also have held a job for the past fifteen years, not leaving one until I had another (usually better) in place.  I have made it through five years of parenthood under rather rough circumstances and my child is relatively healthy (for someone with a heart transplant) and happy.  I have been married for over ten years and we’re still pretty happy.  So, I do have some level of commitment to things.  Important things.  But, for anything cursory, I have a really hard time committing.  And mostly, I think it is because as soon as I start doing them, I realize I don’t REALLY want to do those things.  I start doing them because I convince myself I REALLY want to do them (get fit, get organized, read more, etc.), but then when I actually do most of them, I realize it is truly not something I want to dedicate my time and effort and emotion in doing.  It is sad really.  Sometimes a waste of money.  And often at least a little disappointing.

So, instead of being disappointed and chastising myself, I’m going to just let it all go.  I’m going to figure that having a clean house, an organized pinterest-like life and cooking dinner each night at home after running a couple of miles and playing a game with my 5 year old and my husband is beyond my capabilities.  I’m never going to become a physician, a physicist or a physical fitness star.  I am also tired of trying and trying to be someone I am not.

I don’t want to “focus” on anything.  I just want to live my life as best I can.  Sometimes that will be relatively poorly.  The piles of stuff on my stairs. My stained carpets (getting more stained by the day as my dog suffers a horribly depressing and distressing gastrointestinal problem that has her vomiting multiple times a day, often just bile that stains the carpet and smells horrible – my Oxi-Clean carpet cleaner is getting a real workout the past three days), my hoarder’s garage piled high with stuff that I can’t figure out whether I should keep or get rid of (a giant dog kennel we used for our dog when she was a puppy – its seen better days, but if we ever get another dog it may come in handy…and a new one would be very expensive OR the many, many, many books that I took so long to organize this summer and now just feel like we can go to the library and give that space to something more valuable or entertaining AND so much more), my piles of papers and magazines – most of which I don’t read or need but pile up because I MAY some day be interested in them or need them.  It is just all too much for me.  I want to be someone I am not because that other person seems so much better than me.  So much more productive – a better mom, a better employee, a better sister/daughter, a better friend, a better neighbor, a better wife.

So, More at Forty (Five) is now Forty-Six.  And I don’t have much more.  But, maybe it is because I don’t NEED much more.  Maybe I should focus on that “More” part being “More” credit.  More kindness.  More self-respect than self-improvement.  More recognition for getting through instead of focus on changing things.  More woulds and less shoulds.  More enjoyment and less guilt.  More Candy Crush and less couponing (heck, who am I kidding? I gave up on the couponing a while ago).  More joy and less junk (getting rid of all the “stuff” that doesn’t bring me joy would be a great start).  More teaching and student interaction and less grading and administrating.  More loving life and less stressing over it.

So, yeah.  Do I NEED to lose weight?  No, not really.  I’m happy with my weight.  Would I LIKE to have more energy?  Yes, definitely.  But, I don’t know that those two things are really tied together.  Do I want to measure out all my food and focus on measurements and scales or do I want to eat better and enjoy more activity in my life?   The latter sounds so much better.  The 21 Day Fix is great for someone who has organization and is ready to make a committed effort.  But, I just don’t feel like its for me, right now.  I want to eat healthier, but I don’t want to be so strict with it.  It just isn’t what I REALLY want.  I REALLY want to eat good food that I made with little effort.  Sometimes I want that food to be a little less healthy than that plan would allow.  The shakes seem like a really healthy addition to my daily caloric intake.  So, I will keep up with those and maybe switch over to something similar, but cheaper once the 21 days is up.  I’m sure that my “coach” will be disappointed, but I think the whole purpose is to make you feel better about yourself and your diet.  And in a way, it did that in one day.  I feel pretty good about myself right now.  I realize that I don’t feel the NEED to change because I feel okay with where I am right now.

So, where does this leave me?  It leaves me in the same place I’ve been.  Behind in grading, sitting in a less than clean house, dealing with a calendar that is too stuffed and an energy level that is too low for it, without a social life, and feeling okay about all of that. Is that “settling”?  Could I do better?  Probably.  To a certain extent.  But, it also leaves me feeling better about my life, myself and my home.  So, why not settle for satisfied rather than strive for perfection?

How about you out there?  Want to join me in settling for satisfied?  Perhaps we can start our own movement…the “Settling for Satisfied” movement.  We will resist the urge to constantly compare, to strive for perfection, to be dissatisfied with the disasters that we are.  Instead, we will embrace our own ineptitudes.  Let’s hear it for settling for satisfied!

I was Soren Kierkegaard for my graduate level ethics class and I soon fell in love with his philosophy on ethical living.  And this is what I want to be my “focus” now:

from www.youthareawesome.com
from http://www.youthareawesome.com

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Getting a Fix…21dayfix that is

21dayfix

Tomorrow I will start the 21 Day Fix, or Beachbody program.  I was brought to it by another heart mom and she has done great on it for the last four months.  It was obvious from her posts how much better she was feeling and how much energy she has, so I decided to take the plunge.  I looked into the program quite a bit and there are many things I like about it – first, the shakes are only a supplement, not a meal replacement.  Second, it focuses on real food, which I like.  It makes it more difficult, but it seems much more healthy than eating store bought bars and such.  Finally, it includes the exercise regimen (via DVDs), which makes it easy to do.  I love the containers for portioning.  I love that you get to eat three meals and three snacks a day.  I don’t love the low carb aspect because I love, love, love my carbs, but I do know that it is better for my body not to have all those carbs.

I am sure the first few days to a week will be quite difficult.  My diet has been horrendous lately.  Processed foods and fast food all. the. time.  Skipped meals.  Barely any water drank.  It will be quite the change for me.  But, I think it will be good.  I don’t even care about losing weight in all honesty.  For me, it is about having more energy, feeling better and getting more fit so I can do more with Bean.  I do a lot, and therefore I need a lot of energy.  Lately, I’ve felt not just sluggish, but downright exhausted.  Even when I sleep a decent amount.  I have lots of aches and pains.  I have no desire to go out and do fun things because I have no energy.  So, that is what I’m looking for – a boost in my energy level and feeling more healthy and fit.

Other than that, my dog is sick and the vet can’t figure out what is going on with her.  After $660 they have diagnosed her with a slow-functioning duodenum that is causing bile build up and regurgitation.  She was given a subcutaneous treatment for dehydration and a shot for nausea tonight.  She seems to feel quite bad.  I have multiple meds to give to her tomorrow to try to treat all the different things it could be – an antibiotic in case it is an infection, a dewormer in case that is causing the issue and an anti-inflammatory in case it is inflammation.  I also am giving her something to coat her esophagus and stomach to keep acid from eating away at it and I have to give her pepcid to stop any acid reflux.

So, with my daughter’s meds and the dog’s meds, I feel like I’m running some kind of infirmary around here.  Seriously.  But, I do hope this works to make the dog feel better.  I love Bella and I don’t want her to feel miserable.  It does make me realize what a bad dog owner I am, so part of what I would like to do during this 21 Day Fix is start walking her everyday for 15-20 minutes.  But, not if she is feeling poorly.  So, hopefully all these meds work and she will back to her old self and ready to walk, walk, walk!

Well, I’m off.  Hoping to get some more done tonight before heading to bed, but thinking maybe I should just get up in the morning and do the things…or tomorrow afternoon.  It is so hard to get anything done it seems.  I had a grand plan for my weekend “off” and then spent numerous hours at the vet over the course of yesterday and today.   Sigh…

Puddles

Dog and DD two years ago…hoping they will have many more days of fun together in puddles and sun!