Tuesday Truth

Tuesday Truth

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This week’s truths are a few:

Anxiety and depression are depressing.  I think I’ve said here that my mom went into hospice care in late January.  Although they have tried a couple of different drugs and started her on another one this week, her anxiety and depression are pretty severe right now.  She will call me crying about things that are obviously nothing to worry about, but that are driving her crazy.  The meds are giving her tremors (or maybe she is just getting them due to weakness?) and she is constantly depressed about that.  It is difficult to talk to her and now I’m going to spend the weekend there this weekend.  I honestly think this may be the last Easter she is alive, so I feel like its important to spend time with her when I can.  In addition, me staying there allows her to go without paying for 24 hour care for the time I’m there, so it saves her around $700 since she pays a little over $200 a day for care.  Finally, it just makes her feel more comfortable.  Not happy.  Not at peace.  But, more comfortable.  So, why not?  It certainly isn’t going to be a joyful weekend, but it will is important to do.

Memory is a crazy thing.  Realizing that our six year old has no recollection of things that happened when she was three or four years old, because those memories are so vivid in my own memory.  Tonight we were reading Yoko by Rosemary Wells (she is a huge Max and Ruby fan currently) and I told her that Rosemary Wells also wrote Noisy Nora, which she watched on DVD from the library over and over and over when she was three and four.  She had no recollection.  She used to laugh and laugh whenever Nora knocked anything over.  We found the video online and watched it again and she did not find it nearly as funny, nor did she remember it at all.  I’m not surprised because I don’t have any memories before the age of five and then there are only a few memories when I was five or six or seven.  I don’t really have complete memories until the age of eight or so.  But, it is strange to actually watch those memories disappear for her.  Interesting article about childhood memory and who remembers more of childhood and what influences it.  Turns out, I’m pretty normal.

That’s all I have for today.  There are more truths, but I don’t have time or energy tonight to talk about them.  Enjoy these – and comment with any truths you have for today!

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Six Word Saturday

Six Word Saturday

Will I ever get it together?

That, my friends, is what I feel like this week.  And, in reading some of what I wrote three and two and one year ago, it is what I feel like a lot of the time.  I try to do self-help, organizing, decluttering, etc. projects constantly and nothing sticks.  I feel like I can pull it together short term and then I just get tired and can’t follow through.  What is my problem?

I know I need the following things in my life to truly get it together:

1)  A routine/family schedule that includes the following items:

  • Exercise
  • Meal plan
  • Chore list

2)  A budget.

Really, those two things would do wonders toward me getting it together, whatever IT is.  I have a calendar hanging on our wall that no one much checks other than me and often I will forget to write things on there because I put it in my Google calendar or something.  I’ve been trying to follow a plan where at the end of each month (so today for example) I sit with the wall calendar and my Google calendar and “sync” everything so-to-speak.  But, mid-month, things fall through the cracks.  I don’t really exercise.  We are constantly eating out despite having tons of food in our fridge, freezer and pantry – often a lot of that food goes bad before we eat it.  I am the only one who does stuff around the house on a regular basis.  And I get bogged down in other things or leave on a work trip and the whole house becomes a $#%* show.  I’m not kidding.  Garbage piles up on the floor and every flat surface (because Lord knows that walking the five feet to the garbage can to throw away a fruit treat wrapper or a fast food wrapper would be overly onerous).  Clothes are EVERY where – on the living room floor, bathroom floors, bedroom floors, piled up in the laundry room.  I don’t even know what is clean and dirty sometimes.  Dishes get left everywhere.  It is seriously like I live with people who were raised by wolves – and I’m currently raising one of them.  So, what does that make me?  So, I need a new plan.  I need a new determination and discipline.  I need some motivation for myself and others…ideas would be appreciated.

The budget thing is a whole other beast.  Both my husband and I are impulsive spenders.  We have some things we plan for, but nothing is ever budgeted out.  We just spend money until we run out pretty much.  And we end up with a lot of stuff we don’t need/want.  So, that contributes to my overwhelm in the first department – cluttered living conditions.  But, every time I try to set up a budget I realize just how much we overspend, get depressed and just give up.  I vow to stop spending, but don’t really do it and so, here I am. I must admit that I’m also one of those people who feel like I “deserve” things because I work a lot.  But, I don’t realize how many “things” I have/get.  So, yeah.

I need a counselor…that’s what I really need.  Or a life coach.  A serious, kick-me-in-the-butt, make-me-do-what-I-don’t-want-to-do life coach.  Volunteers?

Five Minute Friday

Five Minute Friday – Break

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I’m participating in this week’s Five Minute Friday.  This week’s word is “break”.  Here we go:

Break…I need one.  Badly.  As I type this, my 6 yo daughter is whining from the bath that she wants to get out.  My house is a total disaster.  My husband is eating ribs that he made on his smoker while almost burning up the smoker.  He is saying to leave her in there because she has been so whiny today.  His frustration and her whininess feed off of each other.  Our puppy is out back, but she will soon be in and mauling everyone and everything in sight.  I talked to my  mom today who is in hospice and she was crying.  My life is currently exhausting, frustrating and completely overwhelming.

I know this is just a temporary thing.  I know that my mom will not be here forever and I have to appreciate the time I have with her.  I know that my daughter will grow up and instead of whininess, we will get attitude and slammed doors and silence.  I will miss these days, not because of what these days were (I will never miss that), but because they will have gone by and people will leave us or change.  But, when you’re in it, it is really hard to appreciate that.  So, I keep trying to remind myself that this, too shall pass, and I will wish for these days back, despite the difficulty and the sadness and the frustration and the mess.

But, for now, I would just like a break.

—-> That’s it, five minutes is up.  What about you?  Consider joining Five Minute Friday and sharing your five minutes of thoughts with us!

Stray Thoughts Sunday

Stray Thoughts Sunday

Stray Thought Sundays

Well, tonight’s thoughts are mostly on the coming week ahead.  I’m going back to work, my DD is going back to school and I’m wishing we had another week.  But, I’ve had some other thoughts as well…

First off, parenting is hard work, even with only one child.  I see parents with multiple children and think they must be crazy.  I mean, who would go through it with one and rationally decide and even PLAN to have another, let alone go through it again with a second and do it yet again.  But, there are many out there who not only make that choice, but then seem to handle it with grace and a professionalism that can only come with experience.  I’m impressed by them.  I’m inspired to do better by them.  I’m sometimes intimidated by them.  But, more often than not, I’m just confused by them.  So, hat’s off to those of you with more than one child!  You deserve some recognition!

Second, Mister Rogers is my hero.  Seriously.  The guy was perfection.  I miss him.  I get to revisit some of him in Daniel Tiger with my DD (and she loves Daniel Tiger and has learned a ton from it), but I sometimes make her watch the old episodes with the real Mister Rogers.  The 70s lighting and such does not interest her like the cartoon, but it makes me wistful, and thankful.

And speaking of the 1970s, was Mister Rogers the only person being a good parent back then, or are we all just crazy now.  Read this from Mamapedia and let me know what YOU think…

I really, really wish we had named our puppy Snakefinder because of the PetSmart commercial.  I just love the way it rolls of the tongue and it sounds tough, but ridiculous, all at the same time.

The Heart and Sole Walk on Saturday was a pretty good time.  They had these little “Selfie” signs for pictures, but I think we may have been the only one using them for such purposes.  The heart specific ones were particularly poignant for us:

Heart and Sole Walk 2015

Well, those are some of my Stray Thoughts for this Sunday.  Where are your stray thoughts going?

Weekend Coffee Share

If we were having coffee today…

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I found this meme a while back on Study.Read.Write. and I have not followed up on posting on it regularly.  But, I love the premise, so I’m going to go ahead and post for a second time today (!).  Two posts in one day, talk about unprecedented!  So, grab a cup o’ joe and join me at the table!

If we were having coffee today, I would tell you how much I wish I was rich or had investors who would give me some money to start a coffee shop here in Chico that had a kid’s play place – kind of like this place, which isn’t too far from us.  I really need to get some work done and I really need some coffee right now, but none of the coffee shops in Chico have much to offer a six year old.  So, here I sit.  It is probably better this way because it saves me money and allows me to get stuff done around the house, but I still think it would make a ton of money if it opened here.  So, there is my retirement plan.  I might ask if you know any investors I could hit up – or if you have some extra cash laying around yourself.  I guarantee it would be a money maker.  I can’t count the number of times mothers in the mothers club have talked about where to go for coffee and a play date.  McDonald’s just doesn’t cut it, but it is one of the only choices to keep smaller kids entertained.

If we were having coffee today, I would tell you that I’m dreading going back to work on Monday.  Really.  Dreading it.  I’m not usually like this after a week off, but this time I really enjoyed my time off and I can see it extending well into the future and not becoming a disappointment to me.  Of course, not having an income would become a disappointment to me, so I’ll be going back to work for sure.  🙂

If we were having coffee today, I would talk about how I’m torn between wanting to be more physically fit and just not having the motivation to do what needs to be done to make that happen.  I did a one mile fun walk this morning with my DD that was done in coordination with a 5K fun run and I really want to do 5Ks, but I HATE running.  I always have.  I used to swim competitively and I always felt like I was built for water sports, not those on the ground and running was a particularly painful enterprise for me.  But, now I have a bad shoulder thanks to the 20+ years of competitive swimming so I need to find some other form of exercise.  My schedule really kills my ability to take classes since it is constantly changing, so running seems like the simplest and most reasonable alternative.  But, it is running.  5Ks are always so much fun and seem so social.  I would love to be able to do that short amount of running and run in one once a month or so.  So, I might ask you if you had any advice for me to stick with a couch to 5K program.  I also might ask if you had advice about good shoes because that has also been a sticking point for me in the past.  I have a decent pair of Sauconys now, so I feel like I might have what I need in the short term.  Hmmmmmmm…

At this point, I would probably say I should get back home to grade and clean and grade and watch more of the Murder She Wrote marathon on Hallmark Movies and Mysteries.  I would ask if you have some time next weekend for coffee again, as this was really a nice break…

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Six Word Saturday

Six Word Saturday – Spring Edition

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Spring Break, warm weather, too short.

This week has been BLISS!  It hasn’t all been just sitting around the pool reading and drinking coffee, but there was definitely some of that, as witnessed above.  But, it is weeks like this that make me wish at times that I did not have a job…or two.  I have done some grading and I’m closer to being caught up, although I will have to make a push on that today and tomorrow to finish it up completely.  But, I’ve been able to spend time having fun, get things done around the house that have been hanging over me FOREVER (can anyone say laundry? cleaning up the back yard a bit? taking the donations to the thrift store?).  I still have quite a bit to do, but I’m feeling like I have half a grip on things now (instead of hanging on by my fingertips, which is where I’ve been for the past couple of months).

It isn’t all peaches and cream around here, but small improvements relieve a lot of my stress and then I can focus on the issues and tasks that need to be dealt with.  Which is a lot, but the list is getting smaller.  Slightly smaller.

Today, my DD and I are walking in a 1 mile fun walk for our local hospital’s heart center.  There is a 5K too, but she felt like that would be too long, so we’re doing the shorter one.  It should be fun. I’m meeting up with someone new from a Meetup group I just joined, so that is a little stressful, but I’m sure it will be great.  There will be lots of fun stuff to do afterwards and then we can come home and relax and I can get some more things done.

Tomorrow, I’m volunteering at DD’s Sunday School, where we haven’t been in a couple of months.  With flu season, my travel schedule and my mom’s illness it just hasn’t been in the works.  But, hopefully we’ll get back this week and make it a more regular part of our weekly schedule now.  DD loves Sunday School and church is always a welcome respite during the week for me.

Then, Monday…dreaded Monday.  Spring Break is over and I’m back to the work grind.  But, hopefully without the pile of grading hanging over my head and with a better plan for dealing with the stuff coming in from students and a plan for my classes for the rest of the semester.  That may be a bit much to hope for, but hey, hope is all about optimism, right?

What’s your Saturday looking like?

Participating in Six Word Saturday at Show My Face!

Five Minute Friday

Five Minute Friday – REAL

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I am participating in Five Minute Friday over at Heading Home again (feels like forever since I’ve last been here and I’ve missed it).  Today’s prompt is “real” – so, here goes:

Well, I feel like sometimes “real” is something I just want to escape.  Real life has been a bit rough lately for me.  But, unlike when we were little, we’re stuck with it.  I mean, I can escape for a little while sometimes but the “real” is always there, hanging over my shoulder, tapping me and telling me I’d better get back to it or it might do something awful.

Don’t get me wrong, there is plenty of good about the “real” too.  I love that I “really” have a 6 yo daughter who has survived some amazing medical issues and is healthy and happy.  I love that I “really” have a marriage that I can be proud of (most of the time, let’s be “real” – no marriage is perfect).  And I love that I have a “real” job that still allows me to go to college (I teach college).  🙂

But, the “real” also has brought my Dad’s death and my mom’s illness and my siblings’ troubles.  It has brought my daughter’s medical issues, which will be ongoing throughout her life.  It also brings hardships on my friends and their families.  But, maybe this part of the “real” is necessary for us to appreciate all the good parts of the “real”.

There are changes I want to make in my life to make improvements in myself and for my family.  But, a lot of what I have is “real” good.  It is a work in progress and as long as we make progress, we’re in good shape.

TIME’S UP!

Will you join me for a five minute write?  Link up over at Heading Home!