This week’s Five Minute Friday is a little different. We’ve been given the charge to choose our own word as a prompt! It is tough. With so many words to choose from, how do I choose just one. single. word?!? But, I’ve been given a charge and I will fulfill my duty!
The word I’m choosing is: MYSELF
I have had a bit of a rough day. I was tired after yesterday’s busy, busy day (field trip in the morning with my DD’s class, baking cookies for cookie swap after that, then a final exam, then the crazy chaotic cleaning for the cookie swap, then the cookie swap). I drank a bit of wine, which I enjoy, but often feel not-so-great the next day (even though I don’t drink much – only one glass last night). This morning I went to my DD’s class again, watched a couple of little plays they have been working on, ran to the store to pick up needed supplies for crafts, came back and helped out a bit, ran home to let the dog in (it was raining) and go buy teachers’ gifts (why I had not already done that I don’t know). My DD had a bit of a breakdown during the book exchange game because she ended up with a book she didn’t want and the girl next to her got a book she REALLY wanted. She started crying. It was embarrassing for me because I feel like she is suffering from a bit of entitlement. Maybe even more than a bit. Then I found out that the VTech video camera we got for her this summer had been chewed up by the dog and taken outside, which she knew and didn’t tell anyone. At that point, I had a breakdown. It was a $60 camera that she hadn’t taken care of and she just didn’t seem to really care at all.
So, how does this all tie into “myself”? Well, that’s an excellent question. But, I think I’ve realized today that I do not consider this concept of “myself” when planning and evaluating my life. My DD is very good at considering her “myself” right now (6 is a pretty self-centered age it turns out). My DH is also very good at considering his “myself” when decision-making. I am not so good at it. As of late, I am often not even sure what myself would want, so how can I give it what it wants or make decisions to benefit it? I am so outwardly focused. I want to make others happy and secure and well-adjusted. But, I don’t worry about those things for myself enough.
——-that’s time, but I would like to continue a bit…
So, I’m thinking of changing my word of the year I had established earlier. I’m thinking of changing it to MYSELF. I haven’t considered myself first in many instances in the last decade or so. And I’m ready to figure out who MYSELF is and how to do things that make MYSELF happier and more well-adjusted. I feel like I have to do some work figuring out who I am. Then, I need to do some work making who I am better and happier and more well-adjusted.
I will need some help from those around me. I will have to ask for and sometimes I may even have to DEMAND that help from them. As of right now, I often suffer in silence. And I’m tired of suffering.
I am ready to put my oxygen mask on and take care of myself in 2016. I am hoping…no, I KNOW that it will make be a better mother and wife, even if it might be a slight shock to the system for my family. It isn’t that I plan on NOT taking care of my family – that is part of who I am and hopefully I will get even better at it. But, it does mean, I will be asking for more help, instituting more systems that work for me and giving myself the same gifts of time, money and fulfillment of needs that I give them.