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Five Minute Friday – Search

Oh my, how I have searched. I feel like my last decade has been spent searching. At first, I was searching for answers. What was cardiomyopathy? Did babies really have heart transplants and lead semi-normal lives afterward? What was it like to live in a Ronald McDonald House? Were we really going to be able to do all this medical stuff when we went home? Where was home going to be? Could we go back to doing all the things we had done before? Could we work? Could we send our daughter to school? It was an endless barrage of questions, some answered, some not.

After we came home, I began a search for normal. We had a place to live now, but what was our normal going to be like? I was back at work, but how could I predict if our baby would be healthy or not? How could I get it all done? How could we commute four hours for doctor’s appointments once every three months? How would I find other moms to hang out with when we had been away for months and months and none of my friends or co-workers had babies? Could I leave her with a babysitter? They would have to give her medicines through syringes and deal with a Broviak catheter in her chest. She didn’t sleep in a crib well, so they wouldn’t be able to just “put her down” to sleep. We wouldn’t be able to “put her down” to sleep either. Should we co-sleep? Should we have her continue to sleep in her pack n play like she did at the Ronald McDonald House? She could sleep on the couch next to us in her boppy pillow. Would we ever sleep again?

Once we got through that stage and found our new normal, my search began for myself again. And that search is on-going. I am happy to be a mom. I like my job as a college instructor. I am enjoying being a Girl Scout leader. BUT. Always, the but. Do I want to do 5Ks? Do I want to do crafts? Do I want to compete in something? Am I doing all I am meant to do? Am I ever going to be a mom who can keep the house clean? I think I need to make more money, but maybe I just need to spend less. Should we be living in a house instead of a townhouse? Should I really own six animals? Will I ever get all the laundry done? Am I a writer? Should I be a speaker? Can I reach more people through consulting and maybe make some more money along the way? Am I doing too much? Am I not doing enough? How will I know?

I am in the midst of the search for myself and my goals and what is meant to be. This week, I am trying a new planner I heard about on a podcast. The Rise Up planner by Moira Kucaba. When I heard about it, it spoke to me. I am one who struggles with staying positive, keeping track, focusing on the right things and having a vision for myself. This planner seemed like it might be helpful. I feel like I have zero vision for myself other than to get through it.

Well, I forgot to start my timer. LOL. This may speak to where I am right now in the scheme of things. So, I will let you know how this planner goes!

3 thoughts on “Five Minute Friday – Search”

  1. I think we’ll always be searching for the next thing because we never stop living, never stop learning. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and we need to figure out what to do with it. I know what it’s like to work with a broviac, though my son was 5. Learning how to maintain it, and the fear of doing it wrong because of where it is.

    You sound like you know what you’re doing I life…searching and not giving up. 🙂

    (Visiting from FMF)

    Like

    1. Thanks Abigail! My daughter is now 10 years old and she got the broviac out when she was a year old, so we made it through that challenge. Although, one time we did lose a patch during a change and my sister (who thankfully was there) had to run to the local hospital’s emergency room and get a box of them from them because we didn’t have an extra. Those were seriously stressful days. I hope your son is doing well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My son is now 14 and very involved. He had cancer and has been cancer free for 9 years. We’re actually heading to his robotics comp now because his team made it to States 🙂

        I’m so glad to hear that that’s in the past 🙂

        Like

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